What am I in their eyes??

I was thinking about what to write today, not a review nor about the books I’m reading and in-line for reading. Then I thought of, why not write just about my feelings for today? since I felt something weird sort of feeling. 

When I was a kid, I’m showered with criticisms and underestimations from my relatives and from people whom just knew me by name and face, but not as ‘ME’ from within. ’cause all they all know and what can they only blab about what they see with their naked eye. I’m always a subject for comparisons, concrete example for that is I’m always compared with my cousin, I’m the least favorite so I got the least attention from them (but I got greater attention from prejudice) and I always felt how my mom tried to defend me from them. ‘i’M THE LEAST BEAUTIFUL AND NOBODY LIKES ME’ that’s what I always hear.

Until now, those things never ended, nor they still hadn’t see ‘Who really I am’ and the things I’ve done. Never congratulate me in my achievements and never saw those things but my failures and unpleasant things they could see about me.

Here’s a thing, they don’t see what my cousin is doing (THE BAD ONES) but only see the good ones. Me, they could see only the BAD ones, and not bother to take a glimpse of the good things I’m doing. And because I’m not afraid of doing things I want to do, what makes me happy, and what makes me ‘ME’, and probably the consequences of my spontaneity and bluntness is there rebukes.

Now I read a status of some old friend whom I saw one day and suddenly posted some sort of unpleasant thing, it goes like this ‘You’re pretty, but you got a loathsome attitude tho’ I don’t want to claim the label, ’cause I know I’m not like that, but I was the one she saw that very day and who knows who else she saw that day, but I got suspicious. I can’t believe it, (if that was for me) my expectations for her are eminent even with her character, I thought of her as virtuous person, but then I saw that status.

How could she say that? She barely know me, and still how could she say that?

I got bothered with it, though I don’t claim that I was the one she’s pertaining with her post, still…. I’m suspicious. And I feel so sad about it, I feel like I’m always downgraded by people around me.

If only people would know who’s the real me.

I don’t write to disclose how bad the people are around me, but how bad I am with their words.


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