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The one I lost long time ago

When.

When will he ever appreciate me?

When?

When will he ever love me?

When?

When will he be a father to me?

Do you know what I envy so much? Seeing other girls so close to their father, seeing a picture with a caption of a “Daddy’s Girl”, seeing a picture of a girl being hugged and kissed by his father, seeing a picture describing a father’s love to his daughter, and seeing a picture of how perfect the father and daughter together. I have a father, but I never had these.

My mum always tells me that when I was a child, I and my father were so close with each other, we’re inseparable, my father always takes care of me. Well, I remember this one time, he carried me home because I don’t want to go home not having the toy I saw at the market, so he carried me because I don’t want to step out of the vehicle, and then he talked to me, mockingly, he’ll get the toy for me next time. But he didn’t.

My father is great in repudiating promises, I don’t know if it’s an understatement or a compliment, or maybe both, but he really is great with this. I remember when I was young, he always tells us that he’ll be taking us out, me and my sister, buy some toys, eat outside, and play (My parents always takes us to the mall after church, and that’s our Sunday routine) but on regular days sometimes it’s my mom who takes us and then we’ll go straight to or father’s office. My father’s working at Coca-Cola Company before as a sales agent, but after several years he quit. I love how my father treats us like princesses, whenever he arrives home from work, he always have something for us, toys, foods, anything, but that changed when something happened, when he met another woman.

My mom also told me this, another promise he repudiated when we were young.

My parents saw these two cute sofa beds for kids, and my father really wants it for me and my sister, he wants them so bad, and that he promised my mom that he’ll get those for us one day.

But again, it didn’t happened.

My father met another woman, and he got so busy with . . . . . I don’t know, work? Mistress? I have no idea, only my mom.

So past is past, we already moved on, my father had a child to this woman, same age as my younger brother. The womanizing thing didn’t stop actually, because after years, there he went again, he met another, the next girl he met lived in our house for months, it didn’t last because of me, because I’m such a blabbermouth, I told it to my mom, and then quandaries came, altercations, even between me and my father. He told me that I was ruining our family, and I was like what? What did I do? I want to tell him that IT’S HIM! IT’S HIM, WHO’S RUINING OUR FAMILY! IT’S HIM WHO BROUGHT THE PARASITE TO WRECK OUR HOME. But I didn’t, I just cried, and then I learned not going home. I’d rather stay out than to see the face of that home wrecker.

And then after months, she’s out, and I feel at ease. I don’t want happened to her, and I don’t know where she went or what happened with her and my father after leaving our house.

But after few years, another one came into our lives, changed our lives, and changed me. The once quiet, sweet me, turned into a monster, I was a stubborn, I never listened to any of them except my mom, I do whatever I want, I will go home whenever I want to, I became so intractable.

The girl who came actually wants us to be her children, she acted like she’s our mom, she acted like she’s our new mom and we have to obey her now, but not me. I hate her. She made our lives miserable, she and my father made our lives miserable. . . . I feel like I was in living hell.

They lasted for years, and they even had a child, but she had a miscarriage, so no additional illegitimate member of the family.

I was so glad when the girl decided to leave, why did she leave? Well, my father showed no interest anymore. That’s it. That’s just how my father’s life works.

After those things, what happened to me? I’ve gone miserable, torn, LOST. And he never had the time to find me, when knowingly it’s all his fault, it’s all because of him why I’m like this. Why I still have the hate. Because after hurting me physically, emotionally, and verbally, for telling me that I’m ruining our family, he never said sorry, not once. He never said his sorry for everything, and after all these years that’s all I’m waiting for, but he doesn’t know that, because he hates me. And since I’m the one who disapproved in what he did before, then he doesn’t want me.

Now he only got three kids, my two sisters and my younger brother. I’m not included. I only have my mom now.

I envy those girls, who loves their fathers and their fathers love them back.

 

xxxx, Ann

 

 

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