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I haven’t got anything for lunch. 

I’ve been listening to Regina Spektor all day, I supposed I love her now. She’s so comforting.

I don’t even feel famished.

I loved you first. I loved you first.

These words keep sinking in my mind. And now they’re throbbing my head. I need some water.

I loved you first. I loved you first.

Please stop! I don’t want to cry, these words keep flashing in my head with no warning. I loved him first. 

Don’t be stupid, we both love each other.  . . . . I need to eat.

I snatched my keys, grabbed my boots and walk out of the door. Just the way he did to me four nights ago. He didn’t slam the door, he closed it falteringly and I hoped that he’s coming back, that he really doesn’t want to go. But he didn’t. I heard the door closed and footsteps vanishing from the door.

Walking in the streets of Dublin, it all reminds me of him. We walk every night when he visits me, laugh and look for the good and happy places around. There’s our favorite, Cafe Samson in Ballsbridge. It’s name was after the owner’s name, Samson. And also the title of the song I was listening to at my place minutes ago. Oh not again!

I loved you first. I loved you first

There came the ominous words again. Anyway, what shall I get, I can’t go to the cafe, the counter will ask me if I’ll get the usual and I can’t, because the usual is with him. I mean, was. 

I’ll just go to the deli and make myself a ham and chicken sandwich, and maybe I could grab a pint of Eggnog ice cream  too. I need some wine too. Okay that’s all I need to survive the night, and then I’ll hit the sack immediately when the booze came to effect already.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Got all my purchases in my hands, walking back to my place and still not feeling good. The air didn’t help, seeing the lovely couples makes me even more sick in the stomach, the butterflies died. As soon as he said the words, I felt their wings flicking, and in seconds they’re all gone.

I produced the key from my pocket and insert it in the keyhole and heard it clicked open. Right now, because I am all woozy or anything, I can hear and see even the tad things, I can hear them clearly, like the clicking sound of the door, the creak from floorboards, water dripping from Mrs. Tucket’s sink. No exaggeration, I felt myself transformed into something I’m not, like my brain has upgraded or whatever.

The stairs creaked and pound as I ran upstairs, I don’t want to talk to anyone.

I reached my door and sighed in relief that no one saw me. I saw the red light flicking from my phone, someone has left a message.  . . It could be him. . . I hasten to the table to put my purchases and clicked the phone to hear the message. And came the bleeping sound.

Hey Alex, just want you to know that the wedding is off . . .  . . . . . Jake called off the wedding last night. I can’t put myself together and I can’t tell you immediately . . . Call me when you get this. I need you.

Bleeeeeep!

I can’t believe it, Jake broke up with Bridgette, he called off the wedding. . . For me? No he left me too. My brain’s suddenly shifted from upgraded to dumbfounded, he left me and then he left my best friend, what is he up to?

Jake’s my ex-boyfriend in High School, we didn’t have a formal break up, I just left then he sent me a message when I was in Dublin with my mom, and he said that he wants to see me, that was two years after I left for college. And he knew where I was because Bridgette, and then he sent me a message, called me, but I didn’t answer. Bridgette knew that were over but she didn’t know that I didn’t break it to him formally and completely.I can’t stand the idea of breaking up with him, seeing him all that sad and brokenhearted, I can’t stand the drama, and now my life turned into a big juicy drama. Jake visited me in Dublin and Bridgette didn’t know that, he stayed there for three days in a hotel near my mom’s house place, and he always come to see me, ask me out for dinner. When I saw him the first day he arrived, standing outside our campus, I honestly feel happy, but I didn’t show him that, I felt my heart thudding and I want to leap  from happiness. I really loved him. And I opt to leave because I’m afraid of to love, I don’t want to end up like my mom, I don’t want to have the same fate as she had. Dad left him for another. And I was afraid that Jake would do that to me too, because I thought that men are all the same. But he proved me wrong. We went for a dinner, talked to him, and told him what I felt and why I did that to him,“You’re so stupid.” He managed to say  and he held my hand, I felt something sensuous prickling me, making me feel want to hug him, “I won’t do that to you, you puny, why do you think I would do that to you? You know how much I’m in love with you.” He added, then I felt my eyes hot and a fat tear rolled down, and I just hugged him. I’ve always wanted to do that to him. I really love him and I shouldn’t have left him.

We spent the night in his hotel room, talking and making love, making up the time we lost. And then he confessed that he and Bridgette is getting married. I got out of the bed and grabbed my clothes and felt pain again. And he stopped me and said that he didn’t want it, his family know well of how rich Bridgette’s family is and that it will be helpful for their business. They’re fixed for marriage, and Bridgette didn’t tell me immediately. I believed him and came to his arms and said I want him back, and he said he wanted too, that’s why he came to see me. He said that he’ll sort it all out. He spent weeks in Dublin so he could be with me, he even bought an apartment so he don’t have to spend a fortune in Hotels. We’re back again, and we went on together for eight months, he keeps making excuses to Bridgette and I feel terrible, but Bridgette kept a secret from me for years, their wedding day is approaching, and it makes my stomach churn, I want Jake, I love him, and he’s supposed to marry me not her. Two months before their wedding day Bridgette called and told me that she and Jake are getting married soon, I didn’t speak and she only said sorry. And then she confided in me, she said that she thinks Jake’s seeing someone else, he’s always away for days and he acts so weird around her and their family. And I just said I don’t know. I feel aloof with her. Jake came in the morning and I told him that Bridgette called me and confided, and he just snorted, I feel guilty for she is feeling but I can’t do anything, Jake doesn’t want her. He wants me.

One night Jake appeared to the door looking exhausted and sad, he didn’t talk to me and I let him be with himself. I heard noises from the bedroom and when he got out, I saw him carrying his trunks, and said that he’s going home, he’s so aloof, I can’t tell if he’s cold, but I could tell from the way he talked he seemed bothered. I know he’s thinking of something. I asked him when will he be back, he just said I don’t know. I feel sad, and then he just closed the door, and left me clueless. I went to the bedroom and saw that he brought everything with him, all of his things. He’s not coming back.

And now Bridgette called, and I don’t know what to say to her, I grew even more confused. I went to the kitchen and make myself dinner, I can’t still get him out of my mind. I turned the computer on and played Norah Jones, What am I to you came from the speakers. I closed my eyes, and feel the music, I can see Jake and I slow dancing, and smiling to each other. Where are you Jake? I felt hot tears welling in my eyes and then a fat tear rolled down my cheek. I miss you Jake. So much!

I heard footsteps from outside my door, I wiped my eyes, went near the door and hold the knob, it turned. I’m getting nervous, so I got a vase in my hand, just in case it is a bad guy. It opened, and saw not a bad guy. . . But my angel. My Jake. I can see the ease and happiness in his eyes, he saw that I’m holding a vase and he smiled, I put it away and no words came out to our mouths. I bring myself to him and hugged me tight. He’s with me, he came back, and we’re going to be okay.

He just stare at me for a moment, scooped my face gently, I can read his eyes, and he kissed me. That familiar, warm and soft lips, they belong to me and always will be, the comfort and mirth is already rising in my body and a tear came rolling again, but with happiness. He wiped it and look at me “I’m Home.” he smiled, and held me again.

Yes . . . . .We’re Home.”

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