I woke up really late this morning, made myself a cup of tea (I feel really great that I fancy tea this time, I’m usually a coffee person, but since it’s not that good for my tummy, because I got an hyper acidic tummy, I decided to try the alternative and I read that tea is helpful for an upset tummy) and stare at the blank page for a while. . . .
I hope there’s a cure for an upset heart too. Hideous things start to come our way this month.
The first thing I know is that my mom is the only person whom I could turn to, my safe, my savior, the one who understands me and my ally. Ten minutes ago she’s that, and with a snap, she’s became different. And then my dad, the last thing I know is that he doesn’t like me, I’m his least favorite, we don’t get along with each other so well, we fight, and we always have misunderstandings. Things he doesn’t do with my younger sister. But with a snap, it all became different.
Growing up is hard, but growing up and being in the middle of a fighting and ranting parents is harder. My parents always have misunderstandings, one is half listening and one can’t accept what one is saying, and drawing conclusions without talking those things over. Lack of communication and understanding to each other is what I see why they’re both like that.
And then I would hear them in the other side of the line or room about the ominous word. Infidelity. That’s why when I was still young (and until now) my eyes were already open about infidelity, my mind already absorbed what it means and what it takes. And it nearly took my family away, it nearly took the love and foundation of our family. But, my father changed, and I can see that now. Last time I was angry, but now it changed to sympathy and understanding, I love him, but don’t get me wrong, after all the things we went through, obviously I have the right to get mad with all the emotional pain he caused me and my mom.
But right now, I know he’s changed and I can feel his regret for doing that to us. That’s why when I saw him days ago, we we’re talking, telling me how terribly sad, and tired he is. And while he’s talking about how he kept all the burden, things he knew from my mom, I saw his lips trembling and twitching, stopping himself to burst into tears, but I could already see the tears welling up in his eyes. And that’s the first time I see him like that.
I don’t take sides, I know how hard my mom went through and now I feel that my mom got undoubtedly tired with all the crap, work, and with my father’s infidelity, and understanding my father now doesn’t mean I turned my back on her. I’m just mad because she considered me as her safe too, she became so shallow, and thought that I took my father’s side, which I really didn’t, I just understands him. She talked differently to me and my father, she’s always irate and hysterical, like she doesn’t want to talk to my father, she turned her back on me. I sensed that she’s fed up of him, and I feel ostensibly crestfallen. I don’t want to see my family fall apart, I never imagined my family to be like that, and never will be.
My parents aren’t the strongest couple in the world, but they should be the strongest wall built for our home, and now I see tad pieces of it are crumbling, preparing to crash and fall on our faces. I always pray that they wouldn’t repudiate the vows they made, and decide to go on separate lives, and leave their children in a pandemonium. I could deal with these sort of things, but not my younger siblings, maybe my sister next to me could somehow understand, but I don’t know how much depression it would cause her, also to the younger ones. Seeing my little sister and brother cry each time they talk to mom over the computer telling how they missed her make my heart broken, what more if they’ll keep us all apart? I can’t and I wouldn’t take it.
Growing up and being just a pole to stop the walls from falling is the hardest.