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The First Thing I Wanted Him To Read

First I was confident
“This is nothing, it happens every time, and it’s just nothing.”
Those were my reassuring words to your father (to be) though I know I am given the benefit of the doubt.

One night, it was one night when you surprised us. I never thought I’d have you. It can’t be. It just can’t. I can’t. I can’t be having you yet.
My calculations were wrong. I was wrong. I ran out of the shower, skin still damped and mizzled, holding the piece of plastic that in my mind was ominous at that certain moment. There must be some mistake I kept telling myself. Then I went to see your father and broke the news and was utterly aghast, tongue-tied, and looking up. He held me, which comforted me for a while that time.
What are we going to do? He asked.
He doesn’t know that I’ve been asking that myself for how many times.
I opt to stay and look mollified to him, for he is a tad cynic of a man.
No blames. He said to me. And I just nod.

Then I was scared.
I am not yet ready. We are not yet ready. What are we going to do?

Days passed and we were still flummoxed, same questions flooding our mind.
We can’t have you yet, our minds battling on their own. Battling whether to keep you or not. Until it crossed our mind and stayed there. Sinful as we may be, but we can’t keep you. We can’t.

That thought haunted us for weeks, but conscience is more powerful, we are not sinful people, we can’t expel of our own flesh and blood. We can’t kill. We are not murderers. Verdict finally drawn. We will have you.We’ll keep you.

I never thought I’d be thrilled the next days of you being inside me, fulfilled even. I was so ecstatic, that I am starting to feel you, starting to feel my tummy bump because you are inside me. I kept telling your father that, but of course, dilemmas were not yet over, we have to support you, keep you healthy, we have to tell our parents, we needed their support.

Weeks passed and new arrangement is laid in front of me. More appealing. And it meant that I’ll be staying with your father, his parents knew about us, baby, and offered me to stay at your father’s abode. I was delighted.

I arrived at your father’s house, they were all kind to me and welcoming. I met your grandma and your aunts-to-be.

Months passed.
I felt you even more, more and more alive inside me. I saw you for the first time last December, looking like a kidney bean, with the minuscule heart thudding lightly, seeing the heart beating so lightly on the monitor; the proof of life.
Feeling you constantly moving around me, kicking and nudging, those what makes me elated and fulfilled everyday of my life.
Every single move you make, that sends me to cloud nine.
Even to your father.
I know you feel it, when he’s calling your name, kissing my tummy and saying that he loves you.

I also know that you feel how he cares about me and you,
Every moment of every day.
Do you also feel the excitement your father feels when we talks about you?
Anticipating you, playing a skateboard, the future pilot, because he wanted you to be.

We sometimes imagine, out of our excitement and exuberance,
What are you going to be like? Are you going to be snooty? Just like your father,
Quiet yet naughty? Kind and considerate?
Or are you going to be like me? Loquacious, spontaneous, what else?
I think I’d better leave that to your father, about what I am like. It’s better to see myself in someone else’s point of view.

But whatever you’re going to be like and who you’ll look like,
All I know is that you’re going to be just wonderful, smart and kindhearted.

I’ve never been this happy in my life, it’s a different happiness in all terms. Having you is the best gift I ever received,
I’ve been through a lot in my life, little one.
I have gotten through deep, endless sea of happiness and sadness.
But the happiness you’re giving me is irrevocable.

My man came to my life and that I prayed so hard, I prayed for him to come into my life, and it’s a total package. Having him, and at the same time. Here comes a little surprise for us. A blessing. You.

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