What’s in my head that can’t be spoken

Since I got some rest earlier this afternoon, siesta and I guess I could do a little bit of writing tonight since I wasn’t able to do it for the last couple of days.

I dealt with a lot of trouble and dilemmas all my life and still today it’s not yet ending. With all these things going on in our lives, inside the ‘used-to-be-strong’ walls are crumbling around us, they were stronger, as far as we know, but now they’re hitting us from everywhere and leaving us in affliction. But what made me more bewildered and a little bit hurt is that there will be an addition to us, more likely, a replacement for someone.

I hate changes, until now when everything else has changed already, I still hate to bear with it but life is just too playful, it keeps pricking me. Hitting us without warning. And what hurts me more is seeing my sisters and brother secretly hurt with the situation too, their eyes speak louder and it’s sad that they still shine, they still all look beautiful, despite of all, their eyes yearning for what’s inside them to come out. It’s sad that they’re mouth are knotted and can’t let the troubles out.

I wish I could speak for them but my voice is clumped and afraid that if I would try to let it out, it will just burst and turn to be just a scattered sound. I wish I was brave enough and everything for them, because I know too well that I am not enough as their pillar, I’m not sturdy enough and that’s what I need to work out, because they too I know hate the changes, the crumbling walls that used to be so robust, holding us firmly which are now changing. I know that I am speaking a little bit vague in here, but I don’t want to be too obvious for I don’t want to disclose everything fully, and only those who could READ I know would be able to get my point. Everything is a labyrinth.

I couldn’t tell that I wanted to move on with my own family, I’m still too young, my brother and sisters are still too young to handle things on their own, I still wanted to guide them and take care of them, but I already want to get out of the maelstrom. This place, where we are standing is already a total mess and we are too oblivious to where to start sorting. Well, I did start to sort some, but it is already them who doesn’t want to be fixed so what’s the point? They’re intractable and their burdens and grudges are too loud for them to hear each other, dreading.

I never anticipated that this would happen to us, this is not the picture I would like to see when I grow older, but everything changes and those would also change the outcome, the circumstances are changed to worst, troubles have changed to, because before I am troubled that my family would fall apart, now I am troubled, that it will never mend again.

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